something bigger than me.

birthdays are good for a few things. for me, i usually like to take time to reflect on how influential the person is to me, how much i love them, and how their qualities make them fit perfectly into my life.

i like to dwell, so i dont forget.

saturday was my mom's 50th birthday.

and this is what i dwelt upon.

i wondered. this year, does my mom know i love her more than i did the year before? has she forgiven me for the horrible things ive put her through? does she know ive forgiven her for the same? i am so blessed to have a mom who believes in such unconditional love. my grama taught her to love like that; and that's how i learned to love. without question, despite ourselves.

does my mom know that she is truly my best friend? or of the terror i feel when i think of her absence? she knows that she's the only person i tell my secrets and unflattering desires to, but i just hope she knows i appreciate it, and that i dont have a back up plan yet.

despite our ups and downs, and there have been a lot, i am grateful for our relationship because our closeness is not common.
i see that now.

ever since she got diagnosed with cancer she has taught me so much about how to do life. she's an example of strength. here my mom is dealing with painful chemo sessions, adjusting to her colostomy bag, working full-time, without a car, and yet she still finds time to just comfort me. i want to push everyone away, steal my mom, and just kick and scream, but mostly cry. she tells me that's okay, but encourages me to not worry, to find humor in sad things, to pray, to allow myself to let go.
she mothers me.
i just dont understand how she does it. how she finds the time, has the energy, or patience for mothering when her life has been turned upside down yet again.
she's miraculous.

i dwelt, i dwell. because my mom has given me so much.
my mom is my world. i just wanted you to know.

happy 50th birthday again, mom.