intimate infatuation.

i am infatuated with intimacy.

my infatuation with this is specific to a disconnection connected.
such as eye contact eye held too long with a stranger.
we want to feel, and be felt.
connecting.
people look forward to it, it makes a girl's day, and gives a boy just a bit more confidence.

i know we just met but i want to put my hand on the small of your back.
the connection, the surprise, and the discomfort of a line crossed forms the brief and intimate bond.

allowing yourself to be fed by another. you are vulnerable for those two seconds.
i am crossing that line. and you just let me.

a question that sincerely asks "but why?" sincerity in a head cocked to your comfort.
a face that reads through your longer pause.

can you feel it?
i know we just met. but this is all so beautiful.
and you just let me cross your lines. so here are mine.

erika's letter.

dear erika.

you are leaving. and it feels like it is time.
this time it feels right. you leaving.

i owe you this. i owe you this much.
you deserve to read what i feel.
how much i feel for you.

in my wakened weak.
there is you. i look for you.
to hear my weak.
for every word i do share.
you know there must be more.
and though you so care.
because you do care.
you do not beg for more behind latent words.
you let them be.
you let me be.
your ears are the pathway to your soul.
inside you compartmentalize all that you hear.
all you that feel but do not understand.
you set this there and that here.
to help you understand.
you tell happiness to stand next to emptiness.
next to desire you file passion.
so that one day.
you will understand.
and so will they.
how they belong hand-in-hand.

you dream in color.
and have seen many shades of my pain.
because if you dream in color.
you know the bold red that reveals my cruelest desire.
and still you show me no shame.

you see through my masks and say.
honey, today you are beautiful.
tomorrow you will be too.
just like yesterday.

you are an unconditional lover.
and you are my best friend.

Love.
alicia.

hibernating heart.

i am a heart in hibernation.
please. just let me sleep.

"do you want to go to the seaside?"

at night, when the cars pass by the road nearest my window, i listen and pretend they sound like waves brushing against the sand.

in the morning when the birds chirp, i close my eyes and pretend i am six years old again. when i go outside there will be a big green hill that i can roll down for hours.
when you roll down a hill, it's hard to control your direction. i like that. the only goal is the bottom of the hill. and if youre brave enough youll make sure your speed is so quick that you lose your sense of up and down.

when i drive to wherever, on whichever freeway, i debate throwing all responsibilities to the wind and heading for the coast.
every day i do this.
i blame the sun and its rays. in all its glory, it beckons me.

this sun has been such a tease. im not asking for heat, just more sun and the ocean. my desire was sparked and is now a rising flame. i want to leave and not tell you or you and especially not you.
not for very long.
just long enough to see a new day.

guilted.

i differ but do not beg.
and with that there is no counter.
the verdict is in.
the jig is up.
the suspect as expected.
breathes bleeds and wreaks of guilt.
but knows no shame.
the victim's soul.
once blue and black.
stood self convicted.
the Guilty pled her insanity.
she did concede.
took his fall.
and did believe.
she did inflict.

detox

there is a control
so calm
this cruelty
i dont need to yell
i state
the outdated
pass-due revelation

afterward
i feel clean

my blood is not boiling
no you cant even get it to simmer

so must we deem this honesty cruelty?
for the intent does say otherwise
these words shared may be years belated
but never is not an option
thus i inform

so foul a creature
so sneaky a scoundrel
the sorriest of soul

i do not pity

rather slumber
on the whitest bed-sheets
because i feel so cleansed

viva mexico.

each day i feel more alive.
because i live.
i am living.
and i am leaving.

feeling so alive.
in my lone.
i leave to live.

i am pumped.