"i remember you and me used to be spend
the whole goddamn day in bed
hiding in your room
we'd lay like dogs"

i always thought he said doves
not dogs
but i guess doves dont lay

i got my favorite perfume "falling in love" by philosophy.
ive been without it for too long
it smells like cotton candy, flowers, fruit; like falling in love would smell.

so ive been writing. but lately im too shy to share my words with anyone.
i know ive built up this wall again. and it's most tough when we're together.
so deemed: difficult
and i am. but for those brief moments that i let it down again. i feel it everywhere. and it feels so good.


and this is almost over right?

i had the best birthday

in the entire world
i dont believe it will ever be topped
i feel so blessed
still
ive been on cloud nine for days
i was surrounded by people i love
that's all i wanted
and i got it
so blessed
i cannot thank all my sweet loves enough for making feel
ridiculously special
loved
adored

that's the latest news

all my loves are gone, and i cannot seem to free myself enough to connect with ones who are still around.

i was driving home, and noticed my family was home. i feel guilty, but i turned around and decided to drive away. even though im exhausted and my body pleads for sleep. but no, ill avoid my bed because on it there will be slobbering dogs that are not welcome. outside my room my mom will be fuming with annoyance at grandma. ramona will feel in the middle, and wish i was there. chuck will make snide comments to my grandma, mostly ones under his breath that end with calling her stupid. never mind her generosity and understanding for his missing body.

if i go inside they'll ask me to talk, to entertain, and i will abide. i'll do what i can to bring them closer, to help them forget all the nasty things they've said to one another. later we'll see ramona off, and grandma will cry. my mom will comfort her, and chuck will comment about how many "damn orientals" there are around our side of town. we'll all part ways and my mom will now take her turn to tell me about how much she wishes grandma would grow up; deal with life better; wishes she'd take care of her body; wishes she'd stop complaining. my mom will complain about my grandma complaining. i'll respond as a moderate, justifying grandmas complaints while acknowledging her point. eventually my mom will ask me how much money i am going to give her this friday and next friday...even though i just gave her money on monday. ill say i dont know, and end up giving her half if not more of what i make.


but i am ending this now. i will not do all this and more. i will not just tap my foot, i will put it down and leave it there. i am finding my out, being patient, and waiting on God. His timing has been a big lesson in my life lately. waiting on Him for the right time, for everything. even though if i had my way i'd be long gone by now. but i'm doing what i can do listen to Him, and rule out the rest. i find myself so impatient still. i want it now. i want to leave now. i want us now. i want school now. i hate that i accepted to help my mom with money rather than go. i almost resent her for it, then i feel guilty for resenting her. which is why i know i need to be out. need to leave before it gets worse. i want to leave and grow to miss her again. i want to stick with what's best for me, not her anymore. and i will. i hope.

so all i want now is a positive person, to remind me of positive things, to tell me theyre positive, and smile at me. but i want it now, not later.

because i can do this...can't i?

almost crimes.

i am head over heels for the acoustic version of almost crimes, by broken social scene.

i cannot get over it

gogol bordello was so illuminating
and i have the battle wounds to prove it

"i waited. i waited. it's late now. she's waiting at home."

i still am searching for words. i think i know what this is going to take. not even an abrupt tragedy can inspire. i am reaching for them. but they are no where near my fingertips. because i find myself in limbo. maybe, yes, maybe that is why. it isn't all quite real enough, not sound, never final. and im lost, and my words are gone. i am in a rut. and there is nothing more to it. i do not like to see these words penetrate the waves. i'll let them float out. just a little longer. better out than in. these cases show. all the while wishing to erase, backtrack, backspace, delete, delete, delete. so unable to wrap around these days. to prose them in sequence, in charm.

"we've got love and hate. it's the only way."

damn. im desperate enough to write each happening. just spell it out to you. maybe it's time for a story. maybe i need better words to read. and god i am reading. but it's so out of reach.

"i think it's almost crimes. i think it's time."

clear

all systems go

was it something i said?

and ill be damned if it wasnt clear
you miss me

kodiak:zykos

"open up and breath me in, i want to be left alone next time. it's cut from the history books, and given no second looks. and it's true things they follow form, i will not be waiting long. i want to be down the road you're on when you say it's time, move ever upward 'til there's no going back in time."

again i repeated myself.

:)

parched tenants

keep it in. im keeping it so in.
and i didnt let you,
(in)?

because im so overwhelmed. i want to ask my mom why im nothing more than a tenant to her? im tired of being milked, because im so parched. questioning a relationship, or is it just a friendship. still never going to her when i need her most.
and then i lied. no. i stretched the truth to cover her. to love her more, extend the time. im pulling muscles, and bruising the rest.

it's fight or flight.
to fight, i have to flee.
but not to my begging destination.
just miles north. closer to an outcome, to being a teacher, closer to the news. closer to saving.

-closer to a lost beginning.
slipped out of my fingertips. for a scare. and it's true, a prospect couldnt have had my best. though so deserved. because ive been thirsty for too long.- not my choice. no. not in the least.

my home is not home. my mom is just a friend again. a close acquaintance that responds in the most dire times, nothing more. dire is around the corner. fixing what i can. to mend those ties.
because we've been here before. learn and learn to live.
because my dear, i put off living too long not to learn.

for now i simply want shoulders to lay my head upon. tattered sheets, and a warm chest. while gentle fingers run through my hair. quiet eyes. and just the sound of our breathing.

it's a mess

and so am i
so im praying this only inspires sensational words
that i like to reread
and share with others
unlike all this jibber jabber that has been, as of late

here's the deal:
not going to mexico
my family (mom's side) is a wreck
the latest blow was unexpected
im moving out
again

on the up side
im resilient as hell
and forgot this
until this morning

but what i wouldnt do right now for:
hot chocolate topped with whipping cream, indian food, a good soccer game that i could take pictures of, and my hand to be held by you

do you want to come over

and stay a while?
----

all i know is
my body wasnt built for this kind of thing
silence and absence
too silent
too gone
too open

and then we're present
it's nothing short of loud
we share what our bodies were built for