Thursday, October 16, 2008

all my loves are gone, and i cannot seem to free myself enough to connect with ones who are still around.

i was driving home, and noticed my family was home. i feel guilty, but i turned around and decided to drive away. even though im exhausted and my body pleads for sleep. but no, ill avoid my bed because on it there will be slobbering dogs that are not welcome. outside my room my mom will be fuming with annoyance at grandma. ramona will feel in the middle, and wish i was there. chuck will make snide comments to my grandma, mostly ones under his breath that end with calling her stupid. never mind her generosity and understanding for his missing body.

if i go inside they'll ask me to talk, to entertain, and i will abide. i'll do what i can to bring them closer, to help them forget all the nasty things they've said to one another. later we'll see ramona off, and grandma will cry. my mom will comfort her, and chuck will comment about how many "damn orientals" there are around our side of town. we'll all part ways and my mom will now take her turn to tell me about how much she wishes grandma would grow up; deal with life better; wishes she'd take care of her body; wishes she'd stop complaining. my mom will complain about my grandma complaining. i'll respond as a moderate, justifying grandmas complaints while acknowledging her point. eventually my mom will ask me how much money i am going to give her this friday and next friday...even though i just gave her money on monday. ill say i dont know, and end up giving her half if not more of what i make.

but i am ending this now. i will not do all this and more. i will not just tap my foot, i will put it down and leave it there. i am finding my out, being patient, and waiting on God. His timing has been a big lesson in my life lately. waiting on Him for the right time, for everything. even though if i had my way i'd be long gone by now. but i'm doing what i can do listen to Him, and rule out the rest. i find myself so impatient still. i want it now. i want to leave now. i want us now. i want school now. i hate that i accepted to help my mom with money rather than go. i almost resent her for it, then i feel guilty for resenting her. which is why i know i need to be out. need to leave before it gets worse. i want to leave and grow to miss her again. i want to stick with what's best for me, not her anymore. and i will. i hope.

so all i want now is a positive person, to remind me of positive things, to tell me theyre positive, and smile at me. but i want it now, not later.

because i can do this...can't i?

1 comment:

sarah russell said...

darling, my love,

happy birthday!
i wish i could be there to celebrate with you.
december baby!
i love you dearly.
and i look up to you infinitely.
you are strong and beautiful
passionate and creative
vulnerable and caring

you're my hero