parched tenants

keep it in. im keeping it so in.
and i didnt let you,
(in)?

because im so overwhelmed. i want to ask my mom why im nothing more than a tenant to her? im tired of being milked, because im so parched. questioning a relationship, or is it just a friendship. still never going to her when i need her most.
and then i lied. no. i stretched the truth to cover her. to love her more, extend the time. im pulling muscles, and bruising the rest.

it's fight or flight.
to fight, i have to flee.
but not to my begging destination.
just miles north. closer to an outcome, to being a teacher, closer to the news. closer to saving.

-closer to a lost beginning.
slipped out of my fingertips. for a scare. and it's true, a prospect couldnt have had my best. though so deserved. because ive been thirsty for too long.- not my choice. no. not in the least.

my home is not home. my mom is just a friend again. a close acquaintance that responds in the most dire times, nothing more. dire is around the corner. fixing what i can. to mend those ties.
because we've been here before. learn and learn to live.
because my dear, i put off living too long not to learn.

for now i simply want shoulders to lay my head upon. tattered sheets, and a warm chest. while gentle fingers run through my hair. quiet eyes. and just the sound of our breathing.