and you remind yourself that love was much more elegant when you were there
when all was here
if even less than what should have,
could have
it's okay to be reminded by those who never experienced your love
but they dont know
how could they
why do they know
please take my love
take him away
and i will turn
away
from what never was there
getting over -- gotten
because i promise you
it was better with me
love was more splendid, alive, and true
handsome
with me
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
quitting coffee
i did it! can you believe it? me. i quit coffee. and let me tell you, i would swear by it. i feel better than ever, and i am so proud of myself.
i remember being just 6 and 7-years-old making coffee for my mom and her guests. i always tested it to make sure it was just right. the smell was enchanting to me, especially since it was an "adult drink." i knew once i got older i would be a regular coffee connoissuer. coffee stepped permanently into my life once i was 16-years-old.
i used to wake up, get ready for my day, go to school or my job or where ever i had to be, and my mouth would water coffee. a triple tall americano to be exact. if i hadnt gotten it before work, i'd beg for a five or ten minute break to get it. once that coffee hit my tongue, i was a new person. i was the happy, giggly, clever alicia i think myself to be. then i realized i was only that way if i got my coffee. otherwise i was moody, impatient, and just mean. i would talk about getting coffee until i finally did. each day i'd start with my triple americano, without cream, and once i got to about 4 p.m. or 5 p.m. i would get something a little less potent...such as a double americano. finally, it started to bother me that i needed some kind of substance to make me feel normal, or happy. i concluded if i am indeed a moody, impatient, mean person then so be it. of course i wanted to be charming and kind without coffee, but i doubted i would be.
the first two weeks was hell. i would go one, two, or three days without coffee and cave. i still felt i really needed it to make me a nice person. i thought about it constantly. but i decided to tell everyone i was quitting, just so they could keep me accountable.
now, ive gone two full weeks (14 days. but who's counting?) without a drip of coffee. it might not seem long, but for me this is forever. i still think about getting it, and wonder if i'll ever treat myself, but i doubt it. especially not this soon into my detox. i have been in the best mood without it. i want to be more active, and find myself being more productive. plus, i have an extra 2o or so bucks in my account every week now. turns out i can be nice, charming, giggly, and clever without coffee. im now to the point where id rather be in a bad mood, which is normal every now and then, than have coffee.
i have concluded coffee will be the death of me. and i do not ever need it again.
i remember being just 6 and 7-years-old making coffee for my mom and her guests. i always tested it to make sure it was just right. the smell was enchanting to me, especially since it was an "adult drink." i knew once i got older i would be a regular coffee connoissuer. coffee stepped permanently into my life once i was 16-years-old.
i used to wake up, get ready for my day, go to school or my job or where ever i had to be, and my mouth would water coffee. a triple tall americano to be exact. if i hadnt gotten it before work, i'd beg for a five or ten minute break to get it. once that coffee hit my tongue, i was a new person. i was the happy, giggly, clever alicia i think myself to be. then i realized i was only that way if i got my coffee. otherwise i was moody, impatient, and just mean. i would talk about getting coffee until i finally did. each day i'd start with my triple americano, without cream, and once i got to about 4 p.m. or 5 p.m. i would get something a little less potent...such as a double americano. finally, it started to bother me that i needed some kind of substance to make me feel normal, or happy. i concluded if i am indeed a moody, impatient, mean person then so be it. of course i wanted to be charming and kind without coffee, but i doubted i would be.
the first two weeks was hell. i would go one, two, or three days without coffee and cave. i still felt i really needed it to make me a nice person. i thought about it constantly. but i decided to tell everyone i was quitting, just so they could keep me accountable.
now, ive gone two full weeks (14 days. but who's counting?) without a drip of coffee. it might not seem long, but for me this is forever. i still think about getting it, and wonder if i'll ever treat myself, but i doubt it. especially not this soon into my detox. i have been in the best mood without it. i want to be more active, and find myself being more productive. plus, i have an extra 2o or so bucks in my account every week now. turns out i can be nice, charming, giggly, and clever without coffee. im now to the point where id rather be in a bad mood, which is normal every now and then, than have coffee.
i have concluded coffee will be the death of me. and i do not ever need it again.
Friday, January 25, 2008
king county metro, my love.
turns
turning
catch a light
give it some gas
would you just turn over
not again. please. not again.
here we go again. hello world.
im here to share the cold with you.
ah hell. my car broke down. that term sounds much more dramatic than i think my case is. but it did stop working. we're thinking it's the starter... please, just be the starter.
well, the metro and i are making friends again. i forgot how thought provoking it can be. sitting for so long in the same spot; thinking about getting to your destination that will be much warmer than public transit; listening to people talk on the bus... it still baffles me how often random people will spark up conversation on the bus. the crazies, most of the time. but not all the time. i do admit to sharing words with people on the bus. though, i mostly just stare out the window thinking of what i could write about from each route, each transfer. i kind of feel like it's stealing. stealing peoples' lives and words. but it's so worth it. and i'd like to think they want their story to be told.
today a lady on the bus would not stop talking. a man told her he would pay her to stop talking. but i dont know if i believe him, because he chose to sit by her.
she said "how much," then paused for a good five seconds and said, "suck it." she talked the rest of the ride.
turning
catch a light
give it some gas
would you just turn over
not again. please. not again.
here we go again. hello world.
im here to share the cold with you.
ah hell. my car broke down. that term sounds much more dramatic than i think my case is. but it did stop working. we're thinking it's the starter... please, just be the starter.
well, the metro and i are making friends again. i forgot how thought provoking it can be. sitting for so long in the same spot; thinking about getting to your destination that will be much warmer than public transit; listening to people talk on the bus... it still baffles me how often random people will spark up conversation on the bus. the crazies, most of the time. but not all the time. i do admit to sharing words with people on the bus. though, i mostly just stare out the window thinking of what i could write about from each route, each transfer. i kind of feel like it's stealing. stealing peoples' lives and words. but it's so worth it. and i'd like to think they want their story to be told.
today a lady on the bus would not stop talking. a man told her he would pay her to stop talking. but i dont know if i believe him, because he chose to sit by her.
she said "how much," then paused for a good five seconds and said, "suck it." she talked the rest of the ride.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
biscuits and roller skating
yesterday i made biscuits and gravy upon request.
they were delicious.
i think ill do it again. for you maybe.
then we saw American Gangster again. i love that movie. and i love denzel. andrew says he can really relate to that movie and he's glad they made a movie he can identify with. because he most definitely would shoot a man in the head off pac highway, across from the village inn.
last night, after the movie, we went to kelsey and scott's place for drinks and board games. have you ever played "in a pickle?" i suck at that game because i can never form logic out of mouth. so, all i do is laugh about my irrational explanations that make me sound and feel stupid. but i still like it.
note to self: always buy Skyy vanilla vodka, not absolut. because it's cheaper and surprisingly goes down much smoother. plus the bottles are pretty.
today im in an hour early to work. because i couldnt stop a bus from getting in an accident on the freeway last thursday. three left lanes were blocked. so im being punished. but im sticking it to the man and by sitting here typing this while im clocked on.
tonight we're going to a skating rink with his family. im really excited. i plan on wearing a dress with flower print on it. it's too big for me, but a new dress that's only eight dollars makes me think it looks wonderful on me. it has a brooch on the cheaply made strap, so it makes me feel like im wearing an eight dollar vintage dress. when i skate i want to go really fast so i make my own wind. then my dress will trail behind me, and hug the rest of my body. and i think that sounds pretty.
they were delicious.
i think ill do it again. for you maybe.
then we saw American Gangster again. i love that movie. and i love denzel. andrew says he can really relate to that movie and he's glad they made a movie he can identify with. because he most definitely would shoot a man in the head off pac highway, across from the village inn.
last night, after the movie, we went to kelsey and scott's place for drinks and board games. have you ever played "in a pickle?" i suck at that game because i can never form logic out of mouth. so, all i do is laugh about my irrational explanations that make me sound and feel stupid. but i still like it.
note to self: always buy Skyy vanilla vodka, not absolut. because it's cheaper and surprisingly goes down much smoother. plus the bottles are pretty.
today im in an hour early to work. because i couldnt stop a bus from getting in an accident on the freeway last thursday. three left lanes were blocked. so im being punished. but im sticking it to the man and by sitting here typing this while im clocked on.
tonight we're going to a skating rink with his family. im really excited. i plan on wearing a dress with flower print on it. it's too big for me, but a new dress that's only eight dollars makes me think it looks wonderful on me. it has a brooch on the cheaply made strap, so it makes me feel like im wearing an eight dollar vintage dress. when i skate i want to go really fast so i make my own wind. then my dress will trail behind me, and hug the rest of my body. and i think that sounds pretty.
Monday, January 21, 2008
no really. sometimes i cant help if im still an insecure 13-year-old who's afraid to let people know her hair is naturally curly. when i go into work, and my hair is super straight, all the girls say "wow you look really good. you should straighten your hair more often." the truth is, it almost always is straightened. or at least i think it is...it's just not paper-thin-straight. i cant help that my hair responds to weather, and being slept on. honestly i really do like my hair when it's wild and curly. i just wish more people did too.
new words and new talents
im sitting inside a beautiful house that is not my own. there are children upstairs sleeping. and i have taken this time to broadly reflect on what's been aching in my mind lately.
i feel different than before. i am happy, more content than i have been before, and moving forward. alas! i am still unsettled.
my brains desires the history, facts, and philosophies that it hasnt discussed in ages. part of me feels out of touch from the education world. fortunately, soon enough, i will not feel like that anymore. i will feel overwhelmed by the weight of my books in my bag. overwhelmed because i will be losing time. constantly exhausted, but managing it. i cannot wait to be engrossed with new thoughts from those i disagree with, those that inspire me, those that puzzle me, and those that i feel indifferent toward.
here i sit, actually spilling out the words that have been running through my mind for a while now. and my brain is awake. i havent taken time to spell out my life in quite a long time. i had done it for a while, on paper from what i last recall, and i decided i didnt want to be that vulnerable on paper, or on cyberspace anymore.
i am glad my mind is fickle. because this feels electric.
i feel different than before. i am happy, more content than i have been before, and moving forward. alas! i am still unsettled.
my brains desires the history, facts, and philosophies that it hasnt discussed in ages. part of me feels out of touch from the education world. fortunately, soon enough, i will not feel like that anymore. i will feel overwhelmed by the weight of my books in my bag. overwhelmed because i will be losing time. constantly exhausted, but managing it. i cannot wait to be engrossed with new thoughts from those i disagree with, those that inspire me, those that puzzle me, and those that i feel indifferent toward.
here i sit, actually spilling out the words that have been running through my mind for a while now. and my brain is awake. i havent taken time to spell out my life in quite a long time. i had done it for a while, on paper from what i last recall, and i decided i didnt want to be that vulnerable on paper, or on cyberspace anymore.
i am glad my mind is fickle. because this feels electric.
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