as this starts and ends. so we begin. and began.
here we are.
but what's more is this body quivers at the thought of reuniting.
and we will come together.
and we go farther.
she's starving for more.
yearning for more than a date's excuse to reignite.
time passes slowly with just air between us.
let nothing stand in our way.
with lovers in hands.
explore what's bitten.
to quench.
like starving teenagers would.

so hold

it's cold outside

all i keep thinking
about that thought
conjured by sleeplessness
how sweet it would feel
to be with you
on a street side
with gravel beneath us
swaying
with me in your arms
for longer than it calls
we'd just stand
holding on
and i'll let out
all the breath i anticipated

i am a restless soul
so creativity finds me
in the night
when it's best to remain quiet
but i tremble with the need to create
while i wish to indulge
and i do so
loudly
in the night

tripping over perseverance

never have i found one willing to question and persevere. and that perseverance was once revoked, then reinstated. your regret and my reliance, not to mention resilience, revitalized.

he does not, will not allow. or excuse.
her usual acts of defiance.
her temper tantrums that quieted the rest.
and then she's led to second guess
her reaction,
because her fuse is too short to merely respond.

this time she slipped
tripped over her own feet
but blamed it on his

ill be the fire-eyed-girl
to your quiet eyes

i might be home

i drove here after the game and buying groceries
i put my food in my part of the cabinet

because i am in my home
the house is cold
my room is not
the house is
cute/quaint
eventually so will be my room

i made myself a cup of hot cocoa to finalize it
the bed is mostly made
except for my desired second perfect purple pillow
a few days from now
and he will put the final touches on my bed

for now
i sit amidst boxes and bags
all full of my life
that will go on from here

a new life is just around the corner
just days away
and miles further
im scared out of my mind
but a month or two to settle before i kick back into to school and work life

and i pray i see you more when im there
all of you

i pray
for progress
and growth
together
but for now it's at the back of my mind
but i wonder where youve placed me
except for the place i know im not
except when we're together
sharing moments
the kind of thing that keeps us going
longer
apart
but stronger
or ive misunderstood all of this
but he said
follow your gut-
youre probably right
and the tension in our grasp revitalizes and reassures
the distance from my nose to yours
suggests more than a smile

answer me

this is no new
addiction
the years have proved it so
and we are
addicts(ed)
more than before

we've fallen out of love

but still
still
still
still
we crave
eachother (s)
skin


this isnt love


and in the night
when i call for you
your touch will answer
and in the dark
when your hand calls
my lips will answer


we are not in love
but the way we move
would beg to differ

i miss you missing me

i couldnt sleep last night

restlessness took its toll on our two questioning hearts.
not even a goodnight, because goodnight was too final.
rather we toss and turn. we sit up, breathe deeper, and cling to our side of the bed.
drawing lines, and not crossing them.
only once or twice did our bodies find the other. and we laid, so still.
and restlessness won again, as we turned searching for that perfect position to fall asleep.
please just let me fall asleep.
let me dream my insecurity away.
rather than be awake; wondering
are you awake too
and you were
but we didnt say a word
not even once
until morning
just to reassure us
that we both were restless
without the rest that once came with bedtime

"i remember you and me used to be spend
the whole goddamn day in bed
hiding in your room
we'd lay like dogs"

i always thought he said doves
not dogs
but i guess doves dont lay

i got my favorite perfume "falling in love" by philosophy.
ive been without it for too long
it smells like cotton candy, flowers, fruit; like falling in love would smell.

so ive been writing. but lately im too shy to share my words with anyone.
i know ive built up this wall again. and it's most tough when we're together.
so deemed: difficult
and i am. but for those brief moments that i let it down again. i feel it everywhere. and it feels so good.


and this is almost over right?

i had the best birthday

in the entire world
i dont believe it will ever be topped
i feel so blessed
still
ive been on cloud nine for days
i was surrounded by people i love
that's all i wanted
and i got it
so blessed
i cannot thank all my sweet loves enough for making feel
ridiculously special
loved
adored

that's the latest news

all my loves are gone, and i cannot seem to free myself enough to connect with ones who are still around.

i was driving home, and noticed my family was home. i feel guilty, but i turned around and decided to drive away. even though im exhausted and my body pleads for sleep. but no, ill avoid my bed because on it there will be slobbering dogs that are not welcome. outside my room my mom will be fuming with annoyance at grandma. ramona will feel in the middle, and wish i was there. chuck will make snide comments to my grandma, mostly ones under his breath that end with calling her stupid. never mind her generosity and understanding for his missing body.

if i go inside they'll ask me to talk, to entertain, and i will abide. i'll do what i can to bring them closer, to help them forget all the nasty things they've said to one another. later we'll see ramona off, and grandma will cry. my mom will comfort her, and chuck will comment about how many "damn orientals" there are around our side of town. we'll all part ways and my mom will now take her turn to tell me about how much she wishes grandma would grow up; deal with life better; wishes she'd take care of her body; wishes she'd stop complaining. my mom will complain about my grandma complaining. i'll respond as a moderate, justifying grandmas complaints while acknowledging her point. eventually my mom will ask me how much money i am going to give her this friday and next friday...even though i just gave her money on monday. ill say i dont know, and end up giving her half if not more of what i make.


but i am ending this now. i will not do all this and more. i will not just tap my foot, i will put it down and leave it there. i am finding my out, being patient, and waiting on God. His timing has been a big lesson in my life lately. waiting on Him for the right time, for everything. even though if i had my way i'd be long gone by now. but i'm doing what i can do listen to Him, and rule out the rest. i find myself so impatient still. i want it now. i want to leave now. i want us now. i want school now. i hate that i accepted to help my mom with money rather than go. i almost resent her for it, then i feel guilty for resenting her. which is why i know i need to be out. need to leave before it gets worse. i want to leave and grow to miss her again. i want to stick with what's best for me, not her anymore. and i will. i hope.

so all i want now is a positive person, to remind me of positive things, to tell me theyre positive, and smile at me. but i want it now, not later.

because i can do this...can't i?

almost crimes.

i am head over heels for the acoustic version of almost crimes, by broken social scene.

i cannot get over it

gogol bordello was so illuminating
and i have the battle wounds to prove it

"i waited. i waited. it's late now. she's waiting at home."

i still am searching for words. i think i know what this is going to take. not even an abrupt tragedy can inspire. i am reaching for them. but they are no where near my fingertips. because i find myself in limbo. maybe, yes, maybe that is why. it isn't all quite real enough, not sound, never final. and im lost, and my words are gone. i am in a rut. and there is nothing more to it. i do not like to see these words penetrate the waves. i'll let them float out. just a little longer. better out than in. these cases show. all the while wishing to erase, backtrack, backspace, delete, delete, delete. so unable to wrap around these days. to prose them in sequence, in charm.

"we've got love and hate. it's the only way."

damn. im desperate enough to write each happening. just spell it out to you. maybe it's time for a story. maybe i need better words to read. and god i am reading. but it's so out of reach.

"i think it's almost crimes. i think it's time."

clear

all systems go

was it something i said?

and ill be damned if it wasnt clear
you miss me

kodiak:zykos

"open up and breath me in, i want to be left alone next time. it's cut from the history books, and given no second looks. and it's true things they follow form, i will not be waiting long. i want to be down the road you're on when you say it's time, move ever upward 'til there's no going back in time."

again i repeated myself.

:)

parched tenants

keep it in. im keeping it so in.
and i didnt let you,
(in)?

because im so overwhelmed. i want to ask my mom why im nothing more than a tenant to her? im tired of being milked, because im so parched. questioning a relationship, or is it just a friendship. still never going to her when i need her most.
and then i lied. no. i stretched the truth to cover her. to love her more, extend the time. im pulling muscles, and bruising the rest.

it's fight or flight.
to fight, i have to flee.
but not to my begging destination.
just miles north. closer to an outcome, to being a teacher, closer to the news. closer to saving.

-closer to a lost beginning.
slipped out of my fingertips. for a scare. and it's true, a prospect couldnt have had my best. though so deserved. because ive been thirsty for too long.- not my choice. no. not in the least.

my home is not home. my mom is just a friend again. a close acquaintance that responds in the most dire times, nothing more. dire is around the corner. fixing what i can. to mend those ties.
because we've been here before. learn and learn to live.
because my dear, i put off living too long not to learn.

for now i simply want shoulders to lay my head upon. tattered sheets, and a warm chest. while gentle fingers run through my hair. quiet eyes. and just the sound of our breathing.

it's a mess

and so am i
so im praying this only inspires sensational words
that i like to reread
and share with others
unlike all this jibber jabber that has been, as of late

here's the deal:
not going to mexico
my family (mom's side) is a wreck
the latest blow was unexpected
im moving out
again

on the up side
im resilient as hell
and forgot this
until this morning

but what i wouldnt do right now for:
hot chocolate topped with whipping cream, indian food, a good soccer game that i could take pictures of, and my hand to be held by you

do you want to come over

and stay a while?
----

all i know is
my body wasnt built for this kind of thing
silence and absence
too silent
too gone
too open

and then we're present
it's nothing short of loud
we share what our bodies were built for

goodbye mexico

sorry
you must be postponed
but the good news is
tio poncho will be much more pleased with that news



im a mess

attempt

and im running this one a little different
nothing is definite
influenced by clocks
and the Lord gives me comfort in that
all the while waiting for something to go awry
praying for softer words
and a smoother touch
only to flatter
charm
and woo
all together now
and we're not
i fear this wit only baffles
but i beg you listen
that have i not adored a soul
so true for such a time

just to let you know. there may have been a chance i was wrong.
a moment told me so. now moments run by and whisper other things to me.

pretty words havent found me in a long time. im in need of inspiration. only life inspires. love too. but what's more is rollercoasters.

so ill inform you that the oldest rollercoaster. that i frequented in my young age. and made me more sick, than not. found me again. it's to the point where i'd like to tell him. "i told you so." but something tells me that's not what i should say. why was i not surprised. why was i. but the good news is i find my actions smarter than before. nevermind the late night visits. not even an option, from either passenger. just lending my two ears, and inhaling deeply. and this euphemism feels old, and stupid now. so comforting.

life reminds me who not to be like. what to achieve, and what to avoid. and already these words seem to run out, without a point. not even worth questioning.

but what id like to tell you
im too shy. too unsure. so maybe i can reword the events. maybe i can just say it. maybe.

backtracking may suit me fine. it's all id like to do. all id like to unsay. because im too unsure, and then that towel showed up at my doorstep late last night. along with that minor dilemma that will solve itself. but i feel unsolved, and too curious. searching for more words because i am still human, no matter the prayer. it follows suit, and i pray you forget what i said before. alas, this is so trite. but you are the finest production. yet. to grace my path. and follow my skin. pushing for a past tense(d). i left the security blanket in your bed. intuition sneaks up on a girl. intuition and insecurity. necessary for life, but so destructive, so misunderstood. maybe i misspoke. taking ques to redirect, reselect.


but i could always be wrong.

and that would be just fine with me.

letting my ghost sleep tonight
ill just shut my eyes
and he'll leave me
that wretched ghost
whose kiss was never sweet
never soft
and never worth another

these times
remember that vivid reflection, happenstance, lover
even here, even now
that same reminder that soothes your throat
and awakens, no simply reminds
a reminder that is not friendly
nor harsh
only empty and lost,
infrequent?

woo the crowds
yours
show love's lost
show off
a charm so quick witted
this beauty
triggers repentance
even if by word of mouth

while a head rustles up an attack
because my dear said, apathy will kill you, not hate
these embers
get lost in my wilderness
giving this greenery away

i hope she
shows you a thing or two
about the way lips should collide
teasing those secrets
that only two bodies can share

that girl you found

just a note
to remind you
im alive
and kicking
full of words to be shared
but too busy to put them in order

"my those quiet eyes become you."

but time will meet me soon enough
and we'll be wrapped into each other
and ill lock hands with words
and spread them around

just not
quite
yet

yes

this is fantastic
worth the crave
there is no bitter bite



"please sir
may i have some more"

or just pretty
lovely?
and this is the best part of all


no. no. no.
let me rephrase this.
the point is.
im at a loss for words.

days come more often than a fairy-tale-ordered heart would have ever thought. because it should have never been. that heart was only lying. it played so many games, created the best excuses and why fors. never listening to those quaint thoughts, especially those harsh words. set aside. those what ifs that could have never been; are now. now on the look out for a new closure. wishing to hold your hand, square eyed, "yes i understand, my lost." this heart was never fickle. always one answer, always one drive. as it so deceives. i forgive it and myself. right? forgiven. you are next. but mostly gone. how did you know. always knew. and so did i. but we knew so different. and found paths to justify them both. as i pant slowly, washed up. while the waves sing their only song. lost battle. war games. and word wars. a defeat which rewrote the future.

scribble

better left unsaid
rather than: you knows, i mean, well, so yeah's
my words
they sound so tragically uneducated

no excuses for sentences broken by laughter
i know what theyre all thinking


no one appreciates the joy that breaks those sentences
rather they sigh, and lose concentration
given a minute
their honesty read:
my eloquent speech captures that broken prose


better heard on a scratch piece of paper




quick fix:
teach your eyes to listen

e a c h l e t t e r

some times
i wonder
if it is bad to be obsessed with words
with script
the way it looks
the way each letter or symbol follows the other
each with sound so profound to be heard
just to be muttered
properly
mispronounced
as long as it is heard
it asks for nothing more
as do i

i wrote this for us

i love this feeling. the new feelings you get from meeting new people. learning the way they move, and how you can move to better suit their movement.
listening to commonalities. and differences. hoping to agree on only the most important things, but so still either way.
i am at ease.
and feel beautiful.
there is more to be had. and i will have it.
im listening to this new music. and it makes me feel like i could be in love. at any moment.
but the right moment. tomorrow, months, or years from now.
but i am in love.
with hope. it's defined me.
there is warm hot chocolate around the corner, waiting to be sipped and held so tightly.
a child down the street waits for the perfect moment to sit straight up, turn their head, and smile.
for that perfect picture.
i know, they told me she would.
it's a freshness.
a new haircut that is more than acceptable.
tasting colour from your lips.

life is too real nowadays to keep up with this.

i just heard a guy tell a very irish looking lady, "hey, thank you for being native american."

ive taken to writing with pen and paper lately.

im too distracted and unsatisfied otherwise.

plans to flee. not sure when. money keeps setting things back.

oh mexico. oh family. you have my heart.

everything else isnt quite real enough.

family. familia.

so today my grandma made it to our house. we traveled to storage scavenging for an old phone to replace my broken one. my mom seriously had like the old 80's cell phones still. we finally found one that might do, but i think it's broken too.

tomorrow one of my...3rd? yes 3rd cousins will arrive. i pick him up from the airport in the early morrow. he's the kind who cannot be tamed. his heart is wild, and his head is worse. he's lived everywhere and then some.

thursday ramona finally gets here. thank the Lord. i will not be able to survive our hundreds of family that i do not know without her. i want us to do something sporadic. but that cannot be planned, so ill just stop talking about it right now.

all this family for a three day family reunion. we have tons of family coming from all over just for these three days in washington. my mom and other family has put soooo much effort into it, so i hope it goes swimmingly.

today my mom made refried beans. made some tortillas and there was lunch and dinner. it smells like the freshed of mexican food in my house. and i cannot get enough of it. hopefully i'll be able to document the three day reunion by photo.

in other news. im really trying to go to mexico soon. maybe september. october. maybe all of those months plus two. if i can, ill take a quarter or two down there. the thing is i just really need to get to know my dad's family. it's been weighing on my heart. i also want to learn to speak spanish fluently. and they barely speak english, so it's perfect. when im a teacher i want to be a spanish speaking teacher, just to be more flexible. when my phone starts to work again im going to talk to my uncle about it.

that's enough rambling.

happy fourth of july

this weekend was spectacular
i dont know why
i havent had this pleasurable of a weekend in a looong time
i was with people i loved constantly

on friday we had a nice party at erikas
with the best fireworks show in the U.S.
serrah almost killed everyone
i got to dance with sparklers
and so did everyone else
many clever remarks were shared
we made a nice spiked punch
and i ate a bison hamburger.


saturday i spent my $25 gift card at barnes and noble. i got:
a cocktail book,
how to make all kinds of soup book,
and viva la vida
well spent not-my-money
we three shared words, and watched a movie.

then i got dressed up with my girls from work.
ate thai, my first time.
looked sexy.
had excellent, well priced drinks.
and i won a free chocolate cake for beating the waiter in a "mind game."

went back to erikas.
snuggled in bed.
shared words for a couple hours.
and then fell asleep to Hook.

today i went to a bbq with the work girls.
played cricket
ate another hot dog
corn on the cob
i was definitely the best cricket player
relaxed in the sun
and now my hair smells like the outdoors

i feel very blessed to have such a happy weekend

oh chipper

but most importantly
i need to be with kids
im going crazy
i feel so under-stimulated.
so useless

a couple of days ago i saw a kid's parents, from YMCA camp. i was so excited, even though he wasn't with them. we'll call him "jeremy." and i told them to tell "jeremy" i said hello. and that i missed him. he was always one of my favorite older kids. a kid that made me happy, and made me feel like i was good at what i was doing. plus he was pretty nice to my younger group. so i adored him. everyone knew it. his parents knew it. they joked about him always having a crush on me. i wished them the best, we talked briefly about camp, and my night was made. i told everyone i knew about how excited it made me.

well. two days later, while i was doing my best to stop these stinky women from stealing our 60%, dirt cheap, sandals "jeremy" walked in! he told me about camp this year. told me all of the kids that were there. apparently his parents had told him they saw me, Chipper (my camp name), and he came up with a sneaky way to visit me. i could not have been happier. i spent about five minutes talking to him. in awe of how mature he had gotten over a 9 month period. i do not think i could have had a better two days at work, thanks to him.

i resolve to always find a way to work with kids. even if it's just volunteer. you know, before i am a teacher.
it makes me the happiest person alive to be with youth.,, people who are satisfied with just playing outside. hearing the same stories over and over again. ah i just feel so empty without kids in my life right now.

and this feeling must be quenched.

the most puzzling of true beauties.

how true are you?

i miss camp

today, while driving out of my neighborhood
i saw a little girl, maybe four years old, with short black hair pulled together in a messy pony tail. she was lugging around a donut swim toy, and a broom in the middle of the street. it was the sweetest picture. i wanted to capture that moment so bad. alas! no camera on hand.

i miss working with children. i see kids and i just want to drop everything im doing and go play, go lead a game, go explore the world while teaching them at the same time.

10 things i hate about you

i recently watched 10 things i hate about you
on my day off
oh heath ledger
i cannot express how much i just love that movie
im reading taming of the shrew again, now :)
and everytime she reads that poem i cry
it's pathetic
but i love it

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.

and now for the real news

i'm tired of the small stuff
it doesnt last
or happens again
and im back to where i began
and that's how the story goes
so im refocused redirected to what matters
my family
my mom and i

things are rough in our house nowadays. i've never liked talking about it, but the older i get, the more real the issues get. it's the same issue -- money.
and it makes me so sad to see my mom struggle this much. to see her so humbled. she's had bad money skills since i can remember. when i was 6 or 7 i think that's when she filed bankruptcy for the first time.
anyways. she's in deep. i feel like it's my fault because ive been needing help lately to pay for school. my mom currently is working THREE jobs. no 47 year-old woman should still have to work 3 jobs just to keep food in the house.
so i'm getting another job, if not two other jobs. we'll see how it works out. im in constant prayer. i just want to be strong for her, and let her know i'll always support her in any way that i can.
we might lose the house, and/or the new jeep. not her new jeep, i plead. she's wanted it for so long. worked so hard to get the down payment. but life happens and so do mistakes. she's also worked so hard to keep the house.
man. i feel like im down playing just how tragic this is for her. i mean, i know i'll be okay. though, im stressed and want to make it all better. all i know to offer is prayer, and hard work. because ill be damned if my mother works three jobs for over two months.

anyways. im off to work for now. and i have interviews tomorrow. a couple of em. pray for us. pray for peace for my mother. and i know God will find a way.

rough

and i exclaim that this is not fair
let me relish in this new found friendlessness
from you
it was the most content feeling id had regarding this
in the longest time
it was solid
and understood
though your cruelest to date
but no no no
allow yourself a peep hole
a just-in-case(s)
while you reiterate who gives and who receives
all this effort and nothing to show from it
but i am stronger this time
and i know the words you exchange with others
and they are nothing more than half truths
enough to save
that good name of yours
there is nothing more i can reveal
your forfeit doesnt make this feel anymore like a victory
but you are not a loss

everywhere

and i feel more relieved than ever before
the weirdest thing about have some kind of traumatic experience is how your mind and body responds
you find yourself just sitting and staring sometimes
not even sure of how you get to the next thought
or what that thought may be about
but youre content
however if you had not just experienced something upsetting
your mind would tell you that you were bored just sitting there
you might even be nervous
or antsy
and the world tells you to do something with your thoughts
and God tells you to do something else

today i feel accomplished
like i accomplished something that i never thought would be done
but it is
phew

and i feel euphoric
i tell you
and i wish i could tell you what i accomplished
but i do not wish to disclose that
but id love to
you should ask
and i might tell
you in person
because i never thought this would come
and i never thought id be so content

and i wont listen to angry music
and ask you to agree with me
and search for guidance
because i Listened
though, it was not where i thought it would go
but it did
and i understand
i am happy

almost found a bike today
which almost made me happier
but no one would help me
ill get one
just you wait and see
my plan is to get a fairly cheap, but new one
see how often i use it
and if i use it a ton
UPGRADE

i apologize for my head being everywhere
this wont last
and ill be able to put it all into prettier words

dont make a sound

if id ever been unlucky enough to get a swirly in junior high
i bet this is what my brain would feel like afterward
or at least something like it


i bought bloc party-silent alarm again
it's feels remarkable and powerful to be together again
speaking of being reunited
today carissa and i are hanging out
just like when we were BFFs from 7th grade and on
im excited
and thankful for God teaching us forgiveness and unconditional love
because she lights up my life
do you ever feel like youve cheated on God?
with just pleasures in life, that you werent strong enough to say no to
well ive felt like that before
and after reading Hosea
it brought old things to light even more
im thankful
but my brain is going all sorts of ways
and im babbling
in the best of alicia's ways
im also a little annoyed
and wish i were strong enough to say "NO MORE"
or "i hate you" or "you suck."
none of which would be true coming from my mouth to who id like to say it to
but one can dream
but for now
i love you all
for now ;)

need a little something.

and im searching for inspiration. reading through old notes again. because the story is old, and i am getting older.
but being vague is so alluring. and it's all ive known, or at least i find comfort in it.
because i want to know if i am the only person who revisits those places. to each their own place(s). or do you ever get sick of things you were sick of two years ago? have you ever fallen too hard on the ground? do you swing as high as possible when love finds a way?
i just need to be inspired. for love and for art.
i am revamping my approach. and it started today. i'm not sure how beneficial it will be.
give it to God. and im 18 again. so lose myself in God.
am i making sense?
but im pouring to fill. what you may or may not know. or remember.
when the reflection is rippled.
ill listen to what you say. and it never was. and that was that, or will be.
but now ive spilled.
what was cleaned up before.

a minor dilemma

a choice
for better or worse
either or
im young enough for those to be different roads that dont collide for a few miles

but when youre accustomed to something worse its appeal is a better routine

than a better choice whose appeal is bound to shift to worse at some point

and though youre stuck at a worst worse

the betters worst seems more because of a little bit hanging on your sleeve
that the better may deserve, though youre set you dont deserve the better
the bit that the worse already built up and down making it seem better or bitter but then better

and then youre back to the appeal
an appeal that is nothing more than a lie that youre comfortable with

and there is your choice

felons and slaves

sharing eachother like lifetime lovers
but it changed me
you were never mine
always its slave
an obligated sheep
loving what you were told to love
loving what you never wanted to do yourself
i was yours
not the bottles
though, you could have sworn
but the truth remains
you will surrender your life
but the truth remains
you are a felon
waiting to swing that third strike

a true beauty
her love isnt so
and they like it that way
to feel their own
and hear whispers in the night
and the tender
ness
kiss
ess
she whispers thank you
but does not return
asks before i go
close your eyes
and mine will be open
forever
wider than before
seeing the things you said to see
but it was too early
too late

candy hearts

i will always dot my swollen eyes with hearts
;they float, and swirl, and charm, and heal, and
a childish...child-at-heart
with love to give and people to care for
with hearts doodled across bills, files, and letters
traces of love notes if you'd just look close enough
signed with them
in her head
as she shares what brightens the world
dots spark no rile, no discomfort, no scoffing, no smug faces
there's nothing wrong with it
a precious nothing that means something to her
everything for a reaction satisfaction
giving it away
to show you what unconditional means
even if it is just a drawing

i despise your voice
louder, louder, and louder
watching you tromp up the stairs
it gives me chills,
they travel slowly, painfully
up my spine

you people referring to me as my people, my sort, my kind
i am me, nothing else
i am not here to cater to your supposed inabilities
a service, mind you
not a wait on you hand-and-foot
my tolerance is short with your kind
the over, and un,
privileged, deserving, grateful
sort, kind, people.

i am not sorry
and i do not feel sorry for you
my stone face tells you what you want to see
my genuine face reads im equal
how dare i

a dearest gal, unforgettable
there's no doubt
put it best
"she is a heinous bitch"
and the rest of you get under my skin
so deep down
i am a short fuse
with the cruelest intention

lovers lost

and you remind yourself that love was much more elegant when you were there
when all was here
if even less than what should have,
could have
it's okay to be reminded by those who never experienced your love
but they dont know
how could they
why do they know
please take my love
take him away
and i will turn
away
from what never was there
getting over -- gotten
because i promise you
it was better with me
love was more splendid, alive, and true
handsome
with me

quitting coffee

i did it! can you believe it? me. i quit coffee. and let me tell you, i would swear by it. i feel better than ever, and i am so proud of myself.

i remember being just 6 and 7-years-old making coffee for my mom and her guests. i always tested it to make sure it was just right. the smell was enchanting to me, especially since it was an "adult drink." i knew once i got older i would be a regular coffee connoissuer. coffee stepped permanently into my life once i was 16-years-old.

i used to wake up, get ready for my day, go to school or my job or where ever i had to be, and my mouth would water coffee. a triple tall americano to be exact. if i hadnt gotten it before work, i'd beg for a five or ten minute break to get it. once that coffee hit my tongue, i was a new person. i was the happy, giggly, clever alicia i think myself to be. then i realized i was only that way if i got my coffee. otherwise i was moody, impatient, and just mean. i would talk about getting coffee until i finally did. each day i'd start with my triple americano, without cream, and once i got to about 4 p.m. or 5 p.m. i would get something a little less potent...such as a double americano. finally, it started to bother me that i needed some kind of substance to make me feel normal, or happy. i concluded if i am indeed a moody, impatient, mean person then so be it. of course i wanted to be charming and kind without coffee, but i doubted i would be.

the first two weeks was hell. i would go one, two, or three days without coffee and cave. i still felt i really needed it to make me a nice person. i thought about it constantly. but i decided to tell everyone i was quitting, just so they could keep me accountable.

now, ive gone two full weeks (14 days. but who's counting?) without a drip of coffee. it might not seem long, but for me this is forever. i still think about getting it, and wonder if i'll ever treat myself, but i doubt it. especially not this soon into my detox. i have been in the best mood without it. i want to be more active, and find myself being more productive. plus, i have an extra 2o or so bucks in my account every week now. turns out i can be nice, charming, giggly, and clever without coffee. im now to the point where id rather be in a bad mood, which is normal every now and then, than have coffee.

i have concluded coffee will be the death of me. and i do not ever need it again.

king county metro, my love.

turns

turning

catch a light

give it some gas

would you just turn over

not again. please. not again.

here we go again. hello world.

im here to share the cold with you.


ah hell. my car broke down. that term sounds much more dramatic than i think my case is. but it did stop working. we're thinking it's the starter... please, just be the starter.

well, the metro and i are making friends again. i forgot how thought provoking it can be. sitting for so long in the same spot; thinking about getting to your destination that will be much warmer than public transit; listening to people talk on the bus... it still baffles me how often random people will spark up conversation on the bus. the crazies, most of the time. but not all the time. i do admit to sharing words with people on the bus. though, i mostly just stare out the window thinking of what i could write about from each route, each transfer. i kind of feel like it's stealing. stealing peoples' lives and words. but it's so worth it. and i'd like to think they want their story to be told.

today a lady on the bus would not stop talking. a man told her he would pay her to stop talking. but i dont know if i believe him, because he chose to sit by her.
she said "how much," then paused for a good five seconds and said, "suck it." she talked the rest of the ride.

biscuits and roller skating

yesterday i made biscuits and gravy upon request.

they were delicious.

i think ill do it again. for you maybe.

then we saw American Gangster again. i love that movie. and i love denzel. andrew says he can really relate to that movie and he's glad they made a movie he can identify with. because he most definitely would shoot a man in the head off pac highway, across from the village inn.

last night, after the movie, we went to kelsey and scott's place for drinks and board games. have you ever played "in a pickle?" i suck at that game because i can never form logic out of mouth. so, all i do is laugh about my irrational explanations that make me sound and feel stupid. but i still like it.

note to self: always buy Skyy vanilla vodka, not absolut. because it's cheaper and surprisingly goes down much smoother. plus the bottles are pretty.

today im in an hour early to work. because i couldnt stop a bus from getting in an accident on the freeway last thursday. three left lanes were blocked. so im being punished. but im sticking it to the man and by sitting here typing this while im clocked on.

tonight we're going to a skating rink with his family. im really excited. i plan on wearing a dress with flower print on it. it's too big for me, but a new dress that's only eight dollars makes me think it looks wonderful on me. it has a brooch on the cheaply made strap, so it makes me feel like im wearing an eight dollar vintage dress. when i skate i want to go really fast so i make my own wind. then my dress will trail behind me, and hug the rest of my body. and i think that sounds pretty.

no really. sometimes i cant help if im still an insecure 13-year-old who's afraid to let people know her hair is naturally curly. when i go into work, and my hair is super straight, all the girls say "wow you look really good. you should straighten your hair more often." the truth is, it almost always is straightened. or at least i think it is...it's just not paper-thin-straight. i cant help that my hair responds to weather, and being slept on. honestly i really do like my hair when it's wild and curly. i just wish more people did too.

new words and new talents

im sitting inside a beautiful house that is not my own. there are children upstairs sleeping. and i have taken this time to broadly reflect on what's been aching in my mind lately.
i feel different than before. i am happy, more content than i have been before, and moving forward. alas! i am still unsettled.
my brains desires the history, facts, and philosophies that it hasnt discussed in ages. part of me feels out of touch from the education world. fortunately, soon enough, i will not feel like that anymore. i will feel overwhelmed by the weight of my books in my bag. overwhelmed because i will be losing time. constantly exhausted, but managing it. i cannot wait to be engrossed with new thoughts from those i disagree with, those that inspire me, those that puzzle me, and those that i feel indifferent toward.
here i sit, actually spilling out the words that have been running through my mind for a while now. and my brain is awake. i havent taken time to spell out my life in quite a long time. i had done it for a while, on paper from what i last recall, and i decided i didnt want to be that vulnerable on paper, or on cyberspace anymore.
i am glad my mind is fickle. because this feels electric.