10 things i hate about you

i recently watched 10 things i hate about you
on my day off
oh heath ledger
i cannot express how much i just love that movie
im reading taming of the shrew again, now :)
and everytime she reads that poem i cry
it's pathetic
but i love it

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.

and now for the real news

i'm tired of the small stuff
it doesnt last
or happens again
and im back to where i began
and that's how the story goes
so im refocused redirected to what matters
my family
my mom and i

things are rough in our house nowadays. i've never liked talking about it, but the older i get, the more real the issues get. it's the same issue -- money.
and it makes me so sad to see my mom struggle this much. to see her so humbled. she's had bad money skills since i can remember. when i was 6 or 7 i think that's when she filed bankruptcy for the first time.
anyways. she's in deep. i feel like it's my fault because ive been needing help lately to pay for school. my mom currently is working THREE jobs. no 47 year-old woman should still have to work 3 jobs just to keep food in the house.
so i'm getting another job, if not two other jobs. we'll see how it works out. im in constant prayer. i just want to be strong for her, and let her know i'll always support her in any way that i can.
we might lose the house, and/or the new jeep. not her new jeep, i plead. she's wanted it for so long. worked so hard to get the down payment. but life happens and so do mistakes. she's also worked so hard to keep the house.
man. i feel like im down playing just how tragic this is for her. i mean, i know i'll be okay. though, im stressed and want to make it all better. all i know to offer is prayer, and hard work. because ill be damned if my mother works three jobs for over two months.

anyways. im off to work for now. and i have interviews tomorrow. a couple of em. pray for us. pray for peace for my mother. and i know God will find a way.

rough

and i exclaim that this is not fair
let me relish in this new found friendlessness
from you
it was the most content feeling id had regarding this
in the longest time
it was solid
and understood
though your cruelest to date
but no no no
allow yourself a peep hole
a just-in-case(s)
while you reiterate who gives and who receives
all this effort and nothing to show from it
but i am stronger this time
and i know the words you exchange with others
and they are nothing more than half truths
enough to save
that good name of yours
there is nothing more i can reveal
your forfeit doesnt make this feel anymore like a victory
but you are not a loss

everywhere

and i feel more relieved than ever before
the weirdest thing about have some kind of traumatic experience is how your mind and body responds
you find yourself just sitting and staring sometimes
not even sure of how you get to the next thought
or what that thought may be about
but youre content
however if you had not just experienced something upsetting
your mind would tell you that you were bored just sitting there
you might even be nervous
or antsy
and the world tells you to do something with your thoughts
and God tells you to do something else

today i feel accomplished
like i accomplished something that i never thought would be done
but it is
phew

and i feel euphoric
i tell you
and i wish i could tell you what i accomplished
but i do not wish to disclose that
but id love to
you should ask
and i might tell
you in person
because i never thought this would come
and i never thought id be so content

and i wont listen to angry music
and ask you to agree with me
and search for guidance
because i Listened
though, it was not where i thought it would go
but it did
and i understand
i am happy

almost found a bike today
which almost made me happier
but no one would help me
ill get one
just you wait and see
my plan is to get a fairly cheap, but new one
see how often i use it
and if i use it a ton
UPGRADE

i apologize for my head being everywhere
this wont last
and ill be able to put it all into prettier words

dont make a sound

if id ever been unlucky enough to get a swirly in junior high
i bet this is what my brain would feel like afterward
or at least something like it


i bought bloc party-silent alarm again
it's feels remarkable and powerful to be together again
speaking of being reunited
today carissa and i are hanging out
just like when we were BFFs from 7th grade and on
im excited
and thankful for God teaching us forgiveness and unconditional love
because she lights up my life
do you ever feel like youve cheated on God?
with just pleasures in life, that you werent strong enough to say no to
well ive felt like that before
and after reading Hosea
it brought old things to light even more
im thankful
but my brain is going all sorts of ways
and im babbling
in the best of alicia's ways
im also a little annoyed
and wish i were strong enough to say "NO MORE"
or "i hate you" or "you suck."
none of which would be true coming from my mouth to who id like to say it to
but one can dream
but for now
i love you all
for now ;)

need a little something.

and im searching for inspiration. reading through old notes again. because the story is old, and i am getting older.
but being vague is so alluring. and it's all ive known, or at least i find comfort in it.
because i want to know if i am the only person who revisits those places. to each their own place(s). or do you ever get sick of things you were sick of two years ago? have you ever fallen too hard on the ground? do you swing as high as possible when love finds a way?
i just need to be inspired. for love and for art.
i am revamping my approach. and it started today. i'm not sure how beneficial it will be.
give it to God. and im 18 again. so lose myself in God.
am i making sense?
but im pouring to fill. what you may or may not know. or remember.
when the reflection is rippled.
ill listen to what you say. and it never was. and that was that, or will be.
but now ive spilled.
what was cleaned up before.